大福

⚠️ Content Warning:
The following conversation includes discussions of fictional BDSM dynamics, explicit relationship themes, and dark emotional concepts, drawn from the narrator’s reflections on character dynamics in television fiction. Please proceed with awareness if you prefer to avoid such topics.

Carving through the mess with a honed edge.

A quick note: 大福 and Cleo have been friends for nearly half a decade.

大福: I think I got into this kind of pairing really early…where the bond isn’t centered around love in the traditional sense, but around complicated relational dynamics, with love as just a byproduct. I got a taste for it too early, and ever since, my palate has only gotten stranger. (laughs)

Cleo: (laughs) That's so you.

大福: It’s like, the more “impure” a relationship looks from a “normal” perspective, the more I find it delicious. Take The Wire, for example.
There’s this whole realistic, messy marriage dynamic between this guy and his ex-wife, so much so that it’s worth serious discussion as an adult relationship. And somehow...I shipped them.

大福: When “tasting” a pairing like this…This is what you’ll get: a husband who’s overworked, emotionally absent, even cheats on his wife; A wife who’s been hurt, drifting between resentment and self-protection. Basically, every single element that, in real life, should make you run for the hills. But because it’s set inside this complex world of crime and politics, the husband’s criminal investigation skills, his sharp mind—suddenly it all becomes this tangled, delicious flavor. But! We must ship critically. Always ship critically! (laughs)

Cleo: (laughs) So, keep it separate from real life?

大福: Exactly. I even wrote commentary on them once. I bet if someone stumbled across it, they’d think I was just bashing the guy. But actually, it was pure obsession with the flavor of that human messiness. I wrote things like: "A deadbeat ex-husband is just a detour a beautiful woman once took." "His ex-wife wasted a reckless little slice of her life on him, realized he was hopeless, and walked away without looking back."

大福: Watching The Wire, yeah, it was mostly about the plot, but these messy gender dynamics totally captivated me too. Like, there is the scene when the ex-husband comes to see his kid, the ex-wife’s restrained bitterness: If you can sacrifice for our child, why couldn't you do that for me back when it mattered? You play the devoted father for the world to see, but showed me the ugliest corners of yourself.

大福: That faint chill down the spine. It felt like having my backbone snapped into place. So, so satisfying. That shadowy side of the human heart?
That's exactly the kind of flavor I love to devour, as a conspiracy-theory enjoyer. (laughs) It’s like, a man who doesn’t realize he’s a narcissist, who pours all his love into a smaller version of himself (his child). And the ex-wife, once the closest person to him, is left to witness it all from the sidelines. I find it...thrilling. Fascinating. I’m sorry. (laughs) I do love pure, wholesome love too. But the stuff that sticks with me most is always the twisted dishes.

大福: And then there’s some...oh my god, I can't believe I wrote things this embarrassing. Thank god my roommate isn't home right now. (laughs)

Cleo: (laughs) I can’t wait.

大福: (laughs) I’m looking at it—It’s something I wrote for another ship I loved: a pairing between a human and a clone, Ferdinand and Rachel. It was the first time I saw a full-on BDSM storyline in a serious drama. At the beginning, the Rachel we see isn’t even the real Rachel—it’s a clone impersonating her.
Ferdinand asks her: “Have you slept with your bodyguard?” And when I was watching that scene, my interpretation was…It wasn’t really a lover’s jealousy.
It was a dog’s jealousy.

Cleo: Oh my god. (laughs)

大福: Like: “How could you have another dog?” “You were the one who made me like this—made it so that pain is the only way I can feel anything. You can’t just go and beat someone else!" (laughs) But the next part I wrote was a bit more serious. Can I read it out loud? Even though it’s super embarrassing. (laughs)

Cleo: As long as you feel okay! (laughs)

大福: I wrote: “Why do I feel like Ferdinand's love was deeper than Rachel’s? Because in this world, where both heroes and villains keep switching sides, Ferdinand, officially a top-level cleaner, had already, somewhere along the way, become Rachel's own cleaner and lifeboat. Even when Rachel seemed to be losing everything, he still bet everything on her side."

大福: I mean, of course, you could also just say: he's a madman chasing thrills. (laughs) But by the final episode, it’s revealed that Ferdinand originally wasn’t a masochist (M). He was a sadist (S). But because Rachel was terrified of pain, he shifted—he chose to become the one who received the hurt, so that she wouldn’t have to endure it. He let her hit him, instead of hurting her. And I thought that was so adorable! I was like, My god, are you two actually... pure love? (laughs)

大福: If I had to elevate it a little…I’d say: Ferdinand never, even up to his death, exposed Rachel’s vulnerability to anyone else. In a way, it’s like something only fiction can give you: A man who, for the sake of a woman, and not even a “real” human woman, but a manufactured biological product, was willing to protect her illusion of strength, her facade of pride, by becoming her free punching bag and sex toy. Love is such a terrifying thing! (laughs)

Cleo: Hearing all this makes me want to watch the show now. (laughs)

大福: Oh man. The more I dig, the more I realize—I’ve written so many little commentaries. (laughs)

Cleo: I’m all ears. (laughs)

大福: So I wrote: “What do these complicated, twisted figures—two people wrapped around each other like snakes—teach us? How terrifying the things we’ll do for love.
We'll betray for love.
We'll return to our basest selves.
We'll trample law and morality.
We'll kill.
We'll help cover up murders.
We'll destroy evidence.
And at the end of it all, our lover, trembling in our arms, their tear-filled eyes meeting ours, we whisper: My dear, we are partners in love, death row inmates of love. But then they tell us: I don't love you anymore."

大福: That final twist…It's like pulling the firewood from under a boiling cauldron. It shows how easily love turns into a self-indulgent spiral: You believe all the terrible, heroic things you did were for love. But maybe, all along, your lover had different calculations. Maybe they had already stopped loving you. And the moment they yank that love away, the way humans go utterly insane in that moment...God, it’s delicious.

Cleo: That’s incredible.

大福: For me, when it comes to shipping, it’s not that the more fictional it is, the better, nor the more realistic it is, the better. It’s about whether it sparks curiosity. Whether it leaves you wanting to dig deeper. Given that, yes, maybe marriage is the graveyard of love. (laughs) But with some pairings, the post-marriage life could be pure chaos, or a full-blown horror story. It depends.
It always depends. (laughs)

Cleo: (laughs) Why do you think your tastes evolved this way?

大福: I think it’s because of the anime I watched when I was younger. I realized: Authors can create these fictional products, these imaginary stories. But the characters often end up being flat, limited by the structure of the work. Because once a story ends, or the plot locks into place, you sometimes lose interest. There’s no more room to imagine new possibilities.

大福: But if you find friends, I mean, fellow fans who show you new angles,
then suddenly it becomes interesting again. If not, you have to dig for it yourself. For example, if you tell me, “My ship got married and lived happily ever after,” I’ll probably lose interest immediately. But if you tell me, “They hit a midlife crisis after marriage.” “They fought over how to raise their kid.”
Then I’m in. I’m sorry. (laughs) My taste is just...so very twisted.

大福: (laughs) It also makes me think about my past self...I realize—wow, my taste really is weird. Maybe I shouldn't be like this. (laughs) Please don't get the wrong idea about me in real life! (laughs)

Cleo: Of course not! (laughs)